Well I haven't been here for a while but its only 8 months to the awful day so here I am feeling reflective and wondering how I got here. Looking back or reflecting as the pyschobabblers would say is not without its hazards. I often feel full of rage at the things that happened and the things that didn't happen that I felt should have happened. The rage lasts on a bit and although it dilutes I'm still left with a low mood and a sadness about missed opportunities and lost friends. I blamed much of this on not being like other people, mostly being overweight.
I abandoned this blog for a while as I fet I had nothing to say and indeed was nothing, was becoming invisible, had no contribution to make as I got older and had retired from paid work. I was also getting fatter and fatter as I comforted my inner self with eating and drinking. I decided six months ago to try to take some kind of control. I spent all my adult life feeling that if I lost weight everything would be better jobs, relaitionships, opportunties, everything. So I've done it. Lost four and a half stone. I look normal weight even though I could also lose a few pounds more. Do I feel different? Not really. I feel thinner but not different. So what does that say? Should we bother to lose the weight if all we will feel is good in jeans? I don't know the answer. All I do know is having the weight on made me feel bad. It would have probably have made me ill. Lets hope the inner rage subsides with some positive thinking now instead of some pretty negative eating.
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